Turning Stumbling Blocks
into Building Blocks
Ending a love relationship is a difficult
task. Even when both parties are handling
it in a mature, respectful manner, divorce
inevitably stirs up a host of negative
emotions. If you've just begun the process
of separation, you're probably experiencing
feelings of sadness, guilt, loss, and
a terrible isolation; it may seem like
this is a journey you must make, or at
least begin, all alone.
The breakdown of a marriage can be the
single most stressful and traumatic event
in a person's life. But like any other
life-crisis -- such as losing a job,
a home, a friend or family member, or
even a religious belief -- there are
several relatively predictable stages
of adjustment you must experience in
order to complete the healing process.
The opportunity here is for you to learn
and grow as an individual along the way.
The first stumbling blocks to overcome
are fear and denial. "This can't
be happening to me!" was Karen's
first thought when Frank, her husband
of 20 years, told her he was leaving
her for another woman. "I was very
fearful about the future," she remembers. "My
thoughts were: 'Where will I live, how
much money am I going to have, what's
going to happen to our children, and
what if no one ever loves me again?' "
Frank, who was raised a devout Catholic,
felt extremely guilty on two counts:
first, for the pain that Karen and the
children were feeling; and second, about
what his church had to say on the subject
of divorce. "I felt torn in two
directions," he says, "but
I really wanted to be with Beth. So I
told myself that my leaving was for the
best; that the kids would get over it;
that I shouldn't be ruled by the dictates
of a religion I wasn't even sure I believed
in anymore."
Frank spent five years
ignoring his feelings of guilt and sadness
over the end of his relationship, covering
them up with a much more "acceptable" feeling
for him: anger. "I was angry so
much of the time," he recalls. "When
the kids would say 'we miss you Daddy,'
I'd get mad that they were spoiling my
happiness. When my parents gave me the
cold shoulder because of their religious
beliefs, that made me furious." Until
Frank recognized and acknowledged the
guilt and grief behind his rage, he remained
stuck in a pretty unpleasant emotional
stage.
If you've recently become separated,
you can probably empathize with either
Karen's or Frank's feelings -- depending
on whether you were dumped or the one
who did the dumping. And until you acknowledge
and work through the painful stages that
accompany the end of your relationship,
they're going to be stumbling blocks
that will trip you up time and again.
In his tremendously helpful book, Rebuilding
When Your Relationship Ends, Dr. Bruce
Fisher identifies 19 stages that we must
experience to completely heal from the
loss of a love. These stages are: Denial,
Fear, Adaptation, Loneliness, Friendship,
Guilt/Rejection, Grief, Anger, Letting
Go, Self-Worth, Transition, Openness,
Love, Trust, Relatedness, Sexuality,
Singleness, Purpose, and Freedom. Dr.
Fisher uses the metaphor of climbing
a mountain to symbolize this 19-step
healing process. Although this process
is terribly difficult, he notes, "The
rewards at the end make the tough climb
worthwhile."
If you're wondering how long it will
take you to fully recover from the end
of your relationship, Dr. Fisher's studies
indicate that: "On average, it takes
about a year to get up above the treeline
(past the really painful, negative stages
of the climb), longer to reach the top.
Some research suggests that a few in
the climbing party will need as long
as three to five years. Don't let that
discourage you," he cautions. "Finishing
the climb is what counts, not how long
it takes."
Dealing with Denial
As human beings, most of us have this
remarkable ability to temporarily shut
off pain that's too great for us to handle.
We put it in a box labeled "Denial," which
we keep tightly shut until we're strong
enough to face what's inside. If the
experience is sufficiently traumatic,
we place it in a box labeled something
like "Worst Nightmare: Do Not Open!" We
store this box behind a hidden trapdoor
in a dark and secluded cellar of our
minds; in fact, it's so well hidden that
we actually forget where we put it for
long periods of time.
This storage system works nicely for
a time, allowing us to get on with some
of the daily tasks of living. But until
the experiences filed away in those boxes
can be taken out, held up to the light
and seen for what they really are, they'll
always be lurking around, ready to trip
us up when we least expect it.
No matter how smart you are, how many
successful business ventures or university
degrees you have under your belt, this
is a process that you may not be able
to begin -- never mind complete -- alone.
If you take nothing else away from this
article, please take this: it isn't shameful,
or an admission of weakness or stupidity,
to admit that you need help. Enrolling
in some kind of therapy, attending seminars
geared to personal growth and/or recovery,
or even reading some of the better self-help
books available out there may be the
smartest investments you'll ever make.
"After my third marriage failed,
I had this sudden revelation," says
Laura, an investment banker at a prominent
Toronto firm. "At first, I just
blamed my ex in specific, and all men
in general: you know, the 'all men are
pigs' sort of thing. Then one day, I
suddenly realized that all my relationships
have essentially been the same -- different
man, same old crap -- and that I was
the one element common to all three relationships."
By accepting her share of responsibility
for her marital breakdowns, Laura was
able to see that she had some issues
she needed to resolve before becoming
involved with someone else. She realized
that she consistently chose the same
kind of man to have the same destructive
relationship with, but had no idea why
she made these choices. "Before
therapy," she asserts, "I really
had no freedom to choose a healthy relationship.
I didn't have the freedom to choose being
single, either," she adds.
Your Emotional Divorce
Feelings such as fear, grief, anger,
and even hatred are common, even "normal," during
a divorce process. Many therapists suggest
that you allow yourself to fully experience
these feelings, then let them go when
they've served their purpose -- which
is to mourn the death of your relationship.
Dr. Fisher recognizes that: "It's
tough to let go of the strong emotional
ties which remain from the dissolved
love union. Nevertheless, it's important
to stop investing emotionally in the
dead relationship," he continues.
Your emotional divorce probably began
months or even years before one of you
decided to make it official, but your
emotional divorce won't be complete until
you let go of the bitterness and the
battles of your dead marriage. The bad
news is that some people will never divorce
themselves emotionally from their former
spouses, keeping alive their anger and
resentment from the past to the point
where they can't truly experience happiness
in their present lives.
You may get some transitory feelings
of satisfaction from directing your self-righteous
anger at "that rotten so-and-so
you had the misfortune to marry," but
think of what that anger is costing you.
Is it really worth it? A wise friend
once told me: "You can either be
self-righteous, or you can be happy;
you can't be both." |